Assuming responsibility for situations is essential. Stop blaming the stars.
There are no words to describe the beauty of look. Yet this post is to describe what looking into my Guru’s eyes made me feel. Gu- meaning darkness and Ru- meaning fire, or light.. So the fire/ light that takes us away from darkness, is Guru. He is our first real experience of Shiv. Maybe the last too, I do not know. But first, I can vouch for. It is said that the grace of Shiv, gets us our Guru, and the grace of our Guru, gets us Shiv… The following is an account of what looking into my Guru’s eyes made me feel at a time when I needed to feel understood, but had no words to explain myself. Prior to this, and for the longest time, I had shied away from looking into His eyes, because like a mirror, they had shown me ugly truths about myself, ones that I was not willing to accept at all. And so I avoided His eyes. And then one day, when I was on the brink of leaving, He was talking to all of us present there… individually. And then my turn came, and He looked at me. As if room temperature water was slowly poured on a block of ice, I cracked with that look, broke into a tired smile which was beyond my control, and shook my head. I then had a conversation with Him which had no words, and was beyond words. And yet, after that one look in my eyes, He knew what I was planning to do next. He said, “Ye toh aaj kuch bhayanak karne wali thi…” I knew then, that He knew what I had planned as my next course of action, I didn’t need to tell Him for Him to know. This was one of my first glimpses and lessons on the Guru-Shishya relationship…
Getting back, so the feasibility and sensibility of a plan becomes painfully apparent when words are lent to it. His words then made me realize.. that it was indeed ‘bhayanak’ what I was planning. I was planning to leave. And He had held me back… I wondered then, how He knew… Then and there, I felt a connection with Him which would later only get deeper with time. But right then, I was elated to bits. For having been understood and accepted, for having my existence acknowledged. I do think every soul needs a lot of both the latter and the former.
I quickly noted down all that I felt then… this is how it goes:
“He has the most knowing, yet kindest eyes I have ever seen… how much was I missing out on when I refused to look into His eyes because of my fear of being judged for all that He would read in them? He reads them like I read books. He reads them so much deeper than I read books, actually. I read the lines to know them, He looks at them and they come to Him…they come rushing to Him- the lines in my eyes. His eyes are seats of understanding and acceptance. And both, without ever making me feel obliged. Knowing and judging go hand in hand, I believed…but knowing and judging are divorced for Him. So priceless, right? In a world that is constantly making me feel obliged for all that it has given me, and sometimes even for things it has not given me, I find Him, one who does not charge me, or blame me, or make me feel small even after giving me the greatest gift I have ever received- acceptance.
While every pair of eyes look into mine and see through them- sometimes blatantly missing out the pain that is apparent- His eyes reveal to me pains that I myself was unconscious of. His eyes smiled at mine a smile, which was not a twinkle of mischief to make me feel laughed at, but which had just enough humour to not make me feel criticized/ judged…just enough humour to reinstate my faith in myself, making my shortcomings seem smaller…reducing the size of hurdles I thought I could not cross.
How then could I not smile? How could I still hold on to all that tension?
For reading in my eyes answers which I have not given…this one is for you.”
belonging to someone
had nothing to do with proprietorship or objectification.
Drinking beer close to midnight on a beach in the company of someone with whom you are bound to maintain no strategic lines of restraint. Maybe that is the dream.
The sky was overcast As clouds black and grey Entered the horizon Awakening on their way- A horizon that was otherwise calm, And a dream, a hope… a suppressed storm. The storm in the mind Of a little sunbird Of flying far and away Round … Continue reading The Sunbird.
‘Your allies have already submitted to the Adulthood Troop of Life, M’Lady.’
The world, she decided, was a miserable place. Everything about everything and everyone sucked- specifically the fact that everything and everyone existed.