So yes. Here I am once again. Typing my heart out. Been procrastinating for ages. Almost forgotten the feel of it. Forgotten the bliss of it- the bliss of letting out everything periodically to an inanimate object that seems neither to agree nor disagree with what you say.
Writing, at it’s best is like walking with a friend, who walks with you, while letting you talk, and just stays there and observes while you choose your own path and your own destination. It doesn’t interfere in your affairs. Ah. To me, that’s a long-sought relief. It seems to respect your decisions, and recognise your independence while providing enough scope for dependence should the need ever arise. Contradictory shit? No, dude. That’s balancing shit.
We always want some of everything on our platter. We always want a little of this and a little of that. We want to move ahead in our lives, but we don’t want to cut the thread connecting us to the past. We want to be the best at our job, but we don’t want to give up on our personal lives for that. We want to buy this expensive dress/shirt, but we also don’t want to spend so much on just a dress/shirt. We want to fall in love ‘truly, madly and deeply too’ but we don’t want to look like starry-eyed love struck little gay puppies ‘clinging’ on to our partners for dear life. We want to have feelings but we don’t want to be gay. We want everything.
So, is wanting everything another name for confusion? Or is it creating a balance that’s most convenient for us? Most say it is the former. Because, after all how can you have two contradictory things at the same time? You can’t have your cake and eat it too, can you? Yea, you can’t. But you can always have two birds at the same time: one in the hand and the other in the bush. If you know what I mean?
I don’t think wanting two ostensibly contradictory things at the same time is a reflection of the confusion that’s found a cosy little home for itself in one’s mind. If anything, it’s a reflection of the ‘Convenienistic’ tendencies that exist in one’s mind. The convenienistic tendency- the most fundamental tendency that exists in every homo sapiens mind, whether he consciously or unconsciously acknowledges its existence or not. The convenienistic tendency to do things that suit one’s own convenience at any given point of time- to not necessarily be whatever is required by the ‘need of the hour’ but to be mature/immature, understanding/rigid, etc according to what would suit YOU better.
The other day while at Cream and Fudge factory, I amusedly observed as this teeny-weeny child, his head hardly reaching the height of the ordering counter, placed his order with the hot young guy at the counter. His squeaky voice didn’t bar him from smartly spelling out just what it was that he wanted, “ I’d like a scoop of After-Eight, one of Ferrero Rocher and one of Sicily Lemon- with some caramel sauce. I also want you to add some sliced strawberries, fresh kiwis, cherries and some bananas.”
I wondered to myself what kind of a jackass ice cream his was going to turn out to be. I mean who exactly has chocolate sauce with Sicily Lemon? I started preparing myself to witness another ‘Mom-I’m-gonna-have-to-waste-the-absurd-shit-I-ordered-cuz-it’s-too-absurd’scenes that’s so common around Cream and Fudge these days. But after the little chap was handed over his absurd ice cream I could simply sit and gape as I saw him lick and gulp down all of it in less than 10 minutes. This wasn’t even a joke. That shit in 10 minutes? Wow. Without puking? Double wow. I’d thought the child was simply confused. But this was not confusion. It was some weird-ass kind of a balance between all the weird-ass flavours that were probably his favourites.
He’d mixed two apparently opposite flavours and to me it seemed like he’d broken some cardinal rule of ice-cream-eating. (You DON’T have chocolate sauce with Sicily Lemon!) But the child was happy after having finished his absurd ice cream. His purpose was served. He’d acted according to his convenience and he was happy. To hell with people who thought he was confused and notions of ‘perfect balance’.
Striking just the ‘perfect balance’ between two conflicting traits is perhaps one of the most difficult tasks ever and even at times when you’ve got yourself believing that you have infact struck a balance, it’s not before long that life plays one of its (in)famous tricks at you and the finally-achieved balance is lost again. Equilibrium and this thing called ‘perfect balance’ are perhaps just mere words of our imagination because the truth is that at any given point of time, we, as human beings are likely to be inclined towards a particular pole much more than the other and this inclination is not static- it’s much like a see-saw that changes its inclination ever so often. So in such a situation, if we choose to have a little bit of all our inclinations, it’s not ‘wrong’ per se. The ‘right’ combinations, the ‘perfect balance’, the ‘perfect equilibrium’, are merely phrases that rarely, if ever, give us any real happiness. Not saying that in our lives we too must change our ‘inclinations’ this often but just that we should enjoy the process of trying to strike the perfect balance and not get so obsessed with trying to find things in alignment that we entirely stop enjoying the see-saw ride. We should, for once, stop bothering about how we’ll probably be perceived to be unsettled, fickle-minded wanderers if we try out this one minute and that the next or if we mix and match our own flavours to create a new flavour altogether.
For once, just play your heart. Or play your mind. Play both together if you want to. Play whatever YOU feel like playing. Let them call you what they have to. You stay happy in your convenienism.