Make mistakes and be sorry. But only to yourself.

When I was talking to my best friend yesterday, she said I’d changed. Changed after coming to law school. Normally, that’s a statement that would’ve made me quite happy because it’s what I’d always thought law school would do to me. I knew it’d change me. Change me, it did. But in ways that I don’t exactly appreciate. I knew what she was talking about, and she knew what she was hinting at and the implications of her statement made both of us sad.

“You’ve lost that fighting spirit.”

Till a year back, that statement would’ve made me fight back harder than ever, but yesterday, I just agreed with her. It just wasn’t me! Not fighting back is just not me, not answering back, not arguing, not trying to get my point across, all of these are not me. He’d once called me feisty. I didn’t understand then why he’d called me that, because with him, I was just simply trying to get my point across. I didn’t think I was being feisty. Yesterday when she used the words fighting spirit, I realized that feisty was indeed the one word that described me best and these past one and a half years in law school had murdered that side of me. I was lost. I was utterly, completely lost.

Horrible one and a half years it’s been thus far. They weren’t even CLOSE to what I’d/ anybody close to me had imagined my life here would be like. When preparing for the entrance, I’d been focussed, determined, brimming of enthusiasm, ready to take the world by its horns, burning to carve a niche for myself in law school. It had been one of the most awaited events of my life for me. My grandpa had been a lawyer. A great lawyer. I had a clear vision. I was going to follow on his footsteps. Mom, Dad, BigB, all had great expectations and I knew I had to not only live up to them, but surpass them. I knew I had to and was going to. My teachers too believed I had a seat booked in the best law school in the country.

Then came the Big Bang- CLAT 2011- and it shattered my hopes into tiny atoms and smaller particles that went flying in various directions. I landed in Odisha. In the aftermath of the Big Bang, I believed my dream of being one of the hot-shot lawyers of the country lay on the ground covered by a shroud. I was bereaved. Something within me died.

Then came the time for law school. They said I still had to make the best of what I had. Perhaps this was what life had in store for me. I had to make do. I couldn’t back out. No, I wasn’t going to. I was going to make the best of whatever had been served on my platter.

But I didn’t. I didn’t make the best of it. I scored well, but I wasn’t the best. The guilt of not working hard enough to turn all my potential into kinetic form ate me up. And yet, I did nothing to change that. I wrote no papers, participated in no moot, didn’t study as hard as I would’ve liked to. Instead I got into what I had vowed to stay away from for atleast the next 6-7 years of my life.

A fling and a failed relationship followed and then I found myself crying over the remains of the latter. 1.5 years into law school and this is what I had to show for it. A sad, lost me sobbing over such insignificant issues and caught up in the dirty, messed up tangle of social interactions that is characteristic of college life. Spoilt friendships, a messed up relationship, a hateful, vengeful ex who was ready to pounce on every opportunity to humiliate me, a back that hurt from the many stabs inflicted upon it- the ultimate death of the feisty me and the resulting birth of a me who wanted to withdraw into her shell and stay there. Two extremely disappointing and unfortunate events.

So. The conclusion is that I made mistakes. Too many of them consecutively. But worse than the act of committing mistakes is letting your past failures pull you down! Yes, I made mistakes, but (surprise surprise) I’m only human! I’m bound to make mistakes. And someone very dear to me once said that if you’re going to tread on uncharted lands you are bound to make mistakes. You shouldn’t let those mistakes pull you (and then keep you) down. And you should never let them harm your self-esteem/confidence. Getting overly critical of yourself just because you made a few mistakes in your past is the worst mistake you can ever make. Ever. Forgive yourself. There’s a reason why they call life a blank sheet of paper and there’s a reason why we have whiteners and erasers and the delete option in our lives. Everyone makes mistakes and so do you. You must be sorry for them, yes, but only to yourself. Because you’re the one paying for your mistakes. They’re not. 

Make mistakes and be sorry, but only to yourself.

Someone also told me yesterday that it’s never too late to start. Yes, it is never too late to start, to take off. And it’s also never to late to go back. What matters is the fact that you did. That’s what is essential.

The most important lesson, however, that law school has taught me till date is that not just out here, but anywhere you go, you can only make a few real friends. People will come and go, a few will stay back and a few will knock on the doors of your heart. It’s important to appreciate the ones who stayed back and open the doors for the ones waiting for you to open up. However, most important is to remember that while in college, you’ll make plenty of friends to hang out with, plenty to sit in class with, plenty to eat out with and a few who would leave their 20-mark-projects for you to go pick your laptop from Bhubaneswar, or to plan trips for you when you want to meet your sweetheart back at home..however, one should never forget the ones back at home because at the end of five years, they are the ones into whose arms you’re going to run.. ❤ Never forget them. No matter what heights you scale, or how far you travel.. because in the end, you have to return to them.

Value the friends back home.. cuz you’ll have to go back to them. Always. ❤
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3 thoughts on “Make mistakes and be sorry. But only to yourself.

  1. Jeez Shreya…i must’ve gone through this post like thrice…there are so many things that went through my mind when i did…i’ll try and gather my thoughts and tell u…and im gonna do it here cuz i don’t really wanna put all that on facebook….

    i’m so glad that there is one more person who has realized that it’s okay to make mistakes. not only does it make u human, everytime you bounce back, you become stronger and wiser. you know not to make that same mistake twice. but more importantly, if the same crap does happen again, you are in a better position to deal with it. that is a valuable lesson not many are able to learn. they just choose to blame fate and immerse themselves in attention seeking self pity. it has continuously pained me to see some of the people i care the most about, choose this path. it is a real test of character, and therefore i respect you immensely.

    that you had to deal with shit in the first yr of college – not getting the college you wanted…crappy relationships…reminds me so much of myself in my first year…that feeling of just giving up a part of what you are and just flowing with the current instead of fighting it…i probably am still trying to overcome that myself. at least you sound like you have the conviction to decide to try and revive your old, fighting self…i’m still trying to find that conviction. so many times i have known that there is so much more i can do but i have felt so drained of energy. i couldnt help but be really inspired by you. and god have i really tried to find this motivation from the people around me…!

    about the heartbreaks you mention…i wont go into details but i can empathize a bit. and balls to the ex who humiliated you. he obviously has an ego disproportional to his strength of character, is intimidated by you, and the rest is just predictable in these people. im sorry you had to see that ugly side of people…i don’t know why ‘I’ am sorry but i just am. but we’re lucky when it comes to this. we’ve already faced this early in life…when we are still growing and learning and building our characters, with the freedom of not having a family dependent on you…no deadlines to meet (assignments and projects do not count)…friends who can put themselves in your place, and support you…you can afford to take a step back and relax…it prepares us for our “later on” in life…facing these things later on in life become so much more harder to get over from, especially when you don’t know what hit you…

    lastly…i’d say always keep your heart open to people who come and go…it’s a great feeling to know there are other people in the world…who might not be around now, but who would make an effort to come to you if you call…or you’d make an effort to go them when they need you….

    maybe thoda gyaan zyaada ho gaya. really couldn’t help pouring my thoughts out. but like i said…some stuff you’ve felt…i’ve felt them myself…some things you are…inspire me, and who knows, might even make me a better person….and all this from a person i barely know…i’ll go figure…

    Like

  2. Law School has changed me, too. In fact, I think it changes everyone. I find myself fearful about the future, and angry about not doing better – not getting law review, not doing better on the LSAT, not doing a different major. I am a 3L now, so I am perhaps just scared about the job hunt. Who knows?

    Liked by 1 person

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