She had let go of every expectation she had had from him. She no longer believed that he had an obligation- not even a moral obligation- to do things for her, to do anything for her. She didn’t feel sad now when he didn’t call, or when he didn’t reply to her incessant texts and emails. She didn’t even expect him to meet her. She didn’t feel bad/ sad/ anything when he told her, after all these years, that he didn’t know what she meant to him. There was just one question which kept nagging her mind. It was a very simple question- one that remained after everything had finished. One that remained after all the heavy questioning was done. After all her inquiries had brought answers in the negative. She wanted to know how her absence affected him- if it affected him at all. She wanted to know whether he would feel any pain, any at all, if something were to happen to her? That doomed question haunted her. Would he cry if/ when she died? If as nobody else, would he atleast remember her as just someone he had known at some point of time in his life, and whose death brought two tiny teardrops in his eyes? Would her absence affect him? Or had she just been a fool? Had she read too much into absolutely nothing?
She believed that the human brain had two kinds of memory. The first kind, which could be called conditioned memory, held ideas and information which the brain had been trained to remember- say, some stupid Economics, History, Law, etc lessons. The second kind, was the kind which differentiated the human/any other living creature’s brain from a computer’s CPU, to the extent that while a computer could only produce information that had been fed into it’s brain (the CPU), the human brain was much smarter (and also stupider, in some cases) and could pick up certain ideas that seemed fancy to it and accommodate the information contained in the ideas, in one of its shady chambers, to be found at the end of one of its shady corridors. Put in even simpler words, the human brain doesn’t exactly wait for its owner to realize that the brain and its memory holding capacity are under-utilized. It doesn’t wait for the owner to fill in external information into it to keep the goddamn thing engaged. If it feels hungry (for information) and sometimes even if it doesn’t, it just picks the next best thing it finds and stores it somewhere. The tricky/comic/tragic part is that once the brain picks up these fancy ideas it likes, it doesn’t easily give them up. Infact, even if you try and force it to forget one of its fancy ideas and get back home from Cloud 9, the brain can simply, blatantly refuse to do the same. If anything, to pester you some more, it might decide to get those very fancy disturbing ideas to your notice more and more frequently- to disturb you all the more and make sure that you know just who’s the boss around here. All this, she had concluded after being told by a friend to get him out of her heart. She thought that was a cakewalk. She could get him out of her heart. Problem was, getting him out of the part of her brain which had some memories of him which were picked up- involuntarily.
So. Her brain too had picked up fancy ideas from here and there and from the various experiences she’d had in life. The problem was, that too many of those ideas came from experiences that she’d had with him. She’d had experiences with other guys too. But the ideas that her brain fancied and turned into memories were always drawn from the experiences that she had had with HIM. It wasn’t as if she had directed/ trained her brain to not fancy other ideas. In fact, she exposed her brain to other experiences because she hoped that her brain would like one of the experiences enough, and start drawing ideas from those experiences and then finally start fancying them and store them in that shady chamber at the end of the shady corridor. She really hoped and wanted and wished for her brain to pick up some new ideas. But the scumbag just wouldn’t. It was stuck. If anything, the more she threatened her brain to forget those ideas, the tighter it held on to them. It was playing the bitch. Yet again. At last, she gave up and decided to bury the hatchet once and for all and put an end to her long lasting rivalry with her own brain. She gave up trying to convince her brain to stop picking up ideas from those Experiences. She trained herself not to visit the shady chamber. She locked up the doomed room and avoided looking at the door/ the chamber even when she passed by the shady corridor sometimes.
And then one day her friend asked her why she couldn’t empty that chamber. She didn’t know how to explain this complex brain theory to her friend. She just hoped her friend would/ could understand what she was talking about when she said that the memories that the brain picks up by itself, it never lets go.. because one can only forget what one has been trained to remember.. and sometimes, it gets impossible to forget even those memories that the brain has been trained to remember because, over time, the voluntary turned into the involuntary- and the involuntary, can never be forgotten. He was a part of her involuntary now. She couldn’t forget him. No matter how hard she tried. All she wanted to know was, whether she had become a part of his involuntary memories too? Those moments that her brain had captured and whose memories were locked in the shady chamber, were they really ‘moments’? Had his brain too picked up ideas back then (no matter even if it had let go of them now)?
P.S. (examples of the involuntary memories- the alphabetical series- A- Z, the numbers series, etc.)