Bouts of Childishness!

Growing up is confusion.It is confusion between the choices of either being a mature adult or being a childishly mature individual.It’s confusion between deciding whether the decisions you made in this confusing stage of your life were simply bouts of childishness or were actually decisions that you might want to consider as serious ones even when you’ve ‘grown up’.
As adolescents,we’re sometimes adults and at other times children.Adolescence is about choosing between the ‘hard practical realities’ and the ‘pure innocent naive desires’ of our heart that the entire world,our parents,our friends,the society asks us to give up,to classify as unattainable.

Even as adolescents,we retain some of the innocence and optimism,some of the faith in the goodness of the world and the people around us that we used to possess as kids,because the lighter shades of our childishness have still not started to get fully merged with the deeper shades of adulthood,and this purity is reflected in the decisions that we make.

But just as we’re about to implement these decisions,we’re made to question ourselves about how practical these decisions are.We’re made to ask ourselves if we’re being mature by making such silly,babyish choices.Why are these choices silly?Just because they’re based on faith and other such good stuff that supposedly dont exist in the ‘real world’??

Ever wondered why all those good things,all your innocent desires of childhood that’re dependent on trust and faith in your own abilites,whose fulfilment relies on your own optimism are shunned by the cynical adults as things that you’re never gonna achieve?Ever felt pain when this happened?
It’s simply because they’ve seen too many dismal failures, they’ve seen too many people first start off enthusiastically with their journeys for success and then give up their ‘childish demands’ and bow down to the ‘realities’ of life..

I really dunno how far these ‘realities’ are real before they themselves make them real..they make them real after they’re told time and again that they’re being foolish and that they’re never gonna make it..after being discouraged an infinite number of times by infinite number of people,even the most determined ones start becoming sceptical about their faith and actions based on that faith..they do what they’ve seen people around them do and when they do this,they’re said to have finally ‘grown up’.And then these cynical,’experienced’ adults,set out on their jobs to ‘warn’ the coming group of still enthusiastic,innocent optimistic adolescents about the failures,hurdles that they’ve already met and that these children would meet on various crossroads of their journey to the fulfilment of their desires.. why do they do this!?Nobody knows.Maybe they themselves would know?

Why cant we move on with our innocence instead of moving over it??Why cant we move on with our idealistic optimistic ideas of the world and not move over them?

I dont see why I shall have to grow up by moving over my childhood..I don’t see why I have to give up these childish aspirations.
I dont see why I shall have to give up this innocent faith which says that sooner or later everything will turn out just fine,that it doesnt know how,but someday pieces of the puzzle will just fall back together to make the perfect picture..this blind faith doesnt ask me to stop making any efforts to reach those baby desires and wait for the perfect picture to get formed by itself,it simply asks me to keep trying no matter what.To keep moving foward and someday by some swish and a flick of some magical wand,the picture will look back at me in the face!

Kush, Madhvika and Love.

Dear Kush,

Today, I had another fight with Mom about us ..she called you a liar, a jerk..she called you  ‘just another teenage boy’ who simply wanted to ‘have fun’ in his youth, who didn’t know what he was doing…who just wanted attractive toys to play around with because although grown in age and mature in physical stature, he still hadn’t grown up- she accused you of being someone who didn’t have any clue about how to deal with delicate things like hearts and their complex emotions.

Things she said about you were so inconsistent with my own opinions of you that I couldn’t help but come to your rescue. I hated it when she said all this about you! To me, it was utterly unfair that she could talk such shit about you, without even KNOWING you. She did NOT have the right to do this.. =( The drivel looked and sounded like drivel to me and so it just seemed right to me to fight her off..but later on, when I went online and checked for your   mail and still didn’t find any, her words, probably repeated for the thousandth time today, started giving rise to all sorts of absurd, distressing feelings within me..she’d said that if you really liked me, you’d keep in touch yourself ..and it sort of made sense. So I waited for you to get back. The first few weeks, I was definite that you would..but you didn’t. I waited some more..but you didn’t turn up. I waited a little more…but you still didn’t turn up. And it was then that I started doubting the strength of OUR love. I knew the strength of my love..you never let me know about ours.

Still, at times, I’d feel my love would keep us warm enough for a lifetime..that just like from fire emerges another fire, from my flame for you, might emerge your flame for me. I dont know what the hell made me feel that way, but something did..

You know Kush, despite everything that’s ever happened between us, there’s a part of me that WANTS to love you- there’s the child in me that wants to keep trusting you, the child that feels that you can NEVER go wrong, the child in me that wants you to make me fall in love with you all over again, the child in me that wants to scream out to you to state reasons to me for which I should love you, the child in me that wants to fly away with the first guy it’d ever rested eyes on and then fallen in love with- regardless of whether the guy was the hero or the villain, the child in me had fallen in love..

I don’t want to let go of this child or its naivety, don’t want to let go of you.

I don’t want to stop loving you Sweetheart..

You bring out the best in me -its the child- naive, trusting, caring, possessive, silly, demanding, arrogant yet soft-hearted, forgiving. It’s never come out in front of anyone else and I realize it doesn’t need to either.

I dont want to let go of this child.I want to make the world believe that this part of me hasn’t been fooled by you. I want to show to the world, to my parents, to my friends, to the entire freakin’ world that I haven’t lost.. I want to prove to them that you indeed were a good choice and I want to do it so badly..

But the defeat is staring me in the face and I’d be foolish to ignore it.. the fact is, for reasons completely unknown to me, you don’t love me..we’re not meant to be..we’re two individuals, similar and yet as different from each other as non adjacent pieces of the same jigsaw puzzle- we’re not similar to each other and no, we don’t complement each other.

I’ll have to move away from you..=(

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’ve to do it.

You’ve taken away the faith the kid had in you.More than anything else, the kid’s bruised his arms and scraped his knees so many times, that it doesn’t feel like coming out again..=(

You were right.

We’re not meant to be.

My senses don’t allow me to bring it out again.

My head and heart are again opposing each other but unlike every time, this time my head’s won. My heart gave my head a walkover..it let my head win. It didn’t even attempt to put up a decent opposition… it’s lost the battle so many times (every time it’s proudly proclaimed about its sure-shot victory and then been embarrassed by a loss later) that it doesn’t have enough courage to lose again.

Dramatic stuff, all this.

Yes, this is what you do to me.

Still in love,

Madhvika

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